Mornings are relative. I'm in a fog of dream sometimes. Lately it has actually led to... inconsistencies. Trouble distinguishing from imagination and reality, conciousness and the realms of trickery; momentarily I'm forced to fight to scramble and put the pieces back into place. This task is becoming more and more difficult.
If necessary, drawer is on the right. Two pills for normal, three for extra. Not yet a part of the routine. Fighting to keep it that way.
You only need to use a pea sized amount. All the way in the back for good measure.
Shaving cream is optional. Required depending on age of razor.
Overly expensive and watery shampoo. Natural remedies for human ailments gone awry.
I can handle the early day. I deprive my mind of enough of it's proper rest, so that it only has the cognitive ability to perform routine tasks and rudimentary social behavior. I don't have to think. About her. About me. About the past.
About the future.
With this I can buffer myself with certitude. Self-reliance. An ability to have clarity without doubt. Without blame.
Brew unsweet on the left machine, sweet on the right. Full A, four cups sugar. Repeat. Stock. Set-up. Script. Sell. Spray. Sweep. Serve. Silver. Section. Sidework. Signature. Repeat if desired.
The problem with muscle memory is this: once your brain is no longer actively focused on thinking about the task at hand, it is left unconstrained. It wanders. Unless you force it to focus it will dredge of every problem left unsolved. Tedium is the enemy.
Throw yourself into the task. You don't have to think if all you think about is activity. Maintain a mindset never at rest. Take an interest. An active interest is too dangerous. Enough to keep the mind occupied. If you're lucky you can keep this up all day.
Break/separate.
The glint of sunlight off the rim of a cup forms a web of light to the table below. Illusions are beginning to replace my reality, I realize as I reach out to brush it off.
There are cracks in my mind, and they're starting to leak.
Anything can be a religion, if you apply the proper amount of effort. You just have to have an unshakable faith in it. Fear, love, murder, sex, TV, politics. I've seen people who had enough faith in faith alone that it could be a religion. I've found myself at the foot of many altars in my life-not for a lack of particular faith or will, but more so the inexorable and unstoppable universal force of change.
I've even had faith in change.
Therein lay the paradox. If you put yourself at the foot of change, and give your true faith to it, you will never be able to stop it. Change rules you, and you're left helpless by the wayside. You cannot bring it about yourself, oh no-it breaks the bonds of the agreement. I've been there so long that I find myself unable to break this bond.
So tedium becomes the norm. Subject to change, and never Lord to it.
Reunion.
Unfortunately, the night brings me awake. Adjustments are made to bring operations up to full capacity. And I think.
That's where the trouble starts. A torrent of thoughts breaks through, problems requiring solving. Solutions requiring analysis. Analyses requiring theories. All of this broken by the fact that I cannot find the answers. I'm forced to throw my mind into more engaging tasks. I can hear the pleas for tedium crowding my skull. So I drown them.
Until finally...
Hopefully...
Sleep.
At last, sleep.
Sleep.
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. beep. beep. beep. Snooze button. Repeat is required.
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