Past time

Timing isn't everything.
//
People are just people, that's all it is. I'm getting so caught up in the how, stuck in the when, mired in the why, that I'm losing sight of now.
How? Who cares? If it can happen, let it.
When? Don't worry, the best part about the future is that it hasn't happened yet.
Why? To be quite honest,why the hell not?

I've been leaning so heavily on building a future in my head, that I'm forgetting to focus on my life unfolding right in front of my eyes. What it comes down to, is that I've been scared. I truly have no idea where I'm going, and it scares the hell out of me. Frightening can also be very exciting. Having no clue where something is going means not having any expectations, and I believe that I'm beginning to truly open up to this.

I said, several months ago, that 2011 will be my year; it will be the time I turn my life around. From some perspectives, it has been exactly that. I've learned a lot about myself in the past six months. I'm still learning a lot.

//
If business as usual doesn't cut it, then toss it out the window. Break it, smash it, until there's nothing left.
//

For so long I have been trying to function as the same person in an altered reality. It took be a while, but eventually I have figured out that this doesn't work. It may be a bit of a cliché that one has to hit rock bottom before they can climb up, but clichés have a merit all their own.

I had been working so long, in so many ways, to change my life, to make it better, but emotionally I was still slipping. I could bring myself up and pretend, when the occasion merited such behavior, but inevitably gravity would take hold and force me to continue my descent. Finally, about a month ago, I hit rock bottom-mentally, at least. Suffice it to say there was a lot of alcohol, a lot of inappropriate behavior and communication, and a few significant (though minor) bodily injuries.

As of this writing, the physical injuries have finally healed, although a rather large tell-tale scar on my elbow will serve as a reminder for years to come. As I've watched my wounds recover, I've noticed a similar process taking place in my mind. Things have been setting themselves back to a state of reason, normalcy, and (dare I say it) some small measure of regular happiness.

This is not to say, however, that I've done all of this alone. Family, friends both new and old, have all alternately been there as support, confidantes, therapy, and an innumerable amount of other things, almost always being exactly what I've needed. I count myself as a very lucky man to have so many people care for me on the level they've expressed.

Rebuilding is not an easy process. It becomes a matter of change, of observation, and an exercise in objectivity towards the one thing we are all tho most subjective about: ourselves. Still the bottom line remains. If business as usual fails, business as usual won't cut it anymore.

When you break something down down to its base components, it's much easier to assess their individual worth. Sift out the pieces that worked for you, leave the rest on the ground, and walk away. There will be, if done right, so many gaps to fill. So much that isn't the same, and never will be again. Pour in some patience, a pinch of tenacity, dash of perseverance. Don't forget to rub away that small growth of insecurity before it grows too far too fast. Rebuild

//
In the end, you need only accept two things.

First, you aren't going to have all the necessary pieces straight away. You have to go out and find them.

Second, you will never be finished. If you think you're done, that you've come as far as you can, look in the mirror. Look yourself straight in the the eye, and say, out loud, that this is the best you can be.

Now tell me if you believe it.
//

Timing isn't everything, but in the end, everything comes around.
//

Patience is the hardest part, especially for a patient man. Sometimes I want to scream out that I've waited long enough. but I suppose that's not for me to decide. I feel ready, but you never know how you'll do until you get behind the wheel. I've felt ready several times in the last year or so, and have been very, very wrong.

Do I want to be right? Am I ready to be right?

In small ways I'm beginning to somewhat prefer the solitude. I can make changes at my own behest. I'm not the same man I was a year ago, or even six months ago. Damn but things move in strange directions.

//
Timing used to be my thing.
Timing used to be my everything
I have to accept that timing is completely out of my control.
//
Timing isn't everything, but everything, in the end, always comes around.