To the Quick; futility.

I can say a few things with certainty:

What follows below will certainly not be what I set out to write;
It's been a few months since my mind was in this state of complete incoherence;
There is clearly something wrong with me;
I'm very much ok with that fact.

So let's begin!

     Already the viscousity of my lethargy is slowing down the gears that only hours ago were powering my thoughts. Clarity is the wrong word to use, as when I am in this state my mind is anything but clear; in fact it becomes more cluttered than ever. Over a long period of time I've practiced, and become quite adept at, clearing my mind of unnecessary thoughts. This is often to my detriment, but it's generally preferable to the alternative. When the right combination of events exhausts me physically and mentally to this point, that wall of quiet in my head bursts like a rotted dam, flooding in everything that sought attention.

Ineedtorunaway.IwanttowatchQuantumLeap.Ishouldn'ttrytoinspireotherstogreatnessasdoingsoonlycreatescompetition.PeopleoftenmistakemeascreativebecauseIregurgitateobscurethingsthatmirrorsomeformoforiginality.I'manuneducatedarrogantfraud.TheonlypersonI'vefeltatrueconnectionwithisleavingmylifeforever.Ishould'vefoughtharder,Ishould'vestayed,Ishouldn'thavegonehomewithher.IdrinktoomuchsmoketoomuchspendtoomuchtimeabsorbedinmyownheadandIabandonedallhopeofbeinghappy.I'mincapableofmaintaininganysortofadultrelationshipwithoutbitternessandresentment.IalwaysdothistomyselfwhyamIsoselfdetructivewhoamItryingtoimpresswhycan'tIbesatisfiedwhyamIbroken.Ishouldn'thaveeatenlunch.Thereisbeautyeverywhereandit'soktobeselfishsometimesandIamnotnowincontrolandhaven'tbeenforalongtimebecausecontrolisanillusionwhenitfailsandafailurewhenitsucceeds.Iwantanap.

And on and on and on.

But today, it felt glorious.

I am not ok. The thoughts above were the only ones I could hold down long enough to record. There are many many more, cramming themselves in with unimaginable speed, no filter, a desire to listen to a song weighed equally with the idea of becoming a millionare, thousands of little sentences crowding into my mind with no order or cohesion-mental image: every kindergarten student in the country all screaming out their favorite things all at the same time, for hours. No cohesion, no clarity. You just have to lean back and enjoy the ride. Or stop the rollercoaster before it goes over the drop.

The more I try to put this down, the more my brain fights me.

And I'm not sure I know how to handle this for very long.